Frangipani Flower

72

Yep, that's the title of the game

An indie video game created in 2020 by a kind and talented artist/game developer, Nunjje Lee

You can check it the game here for some info

I've been knowing this game since the day it got released
Too bad i haven't got the chance to play it right away at the time due to... life

Took me 3 fucking years to finally play this game

And it was in fact, the most life changing 3 years of my life

Alright, before we're going to that. This is the general theme of this game



Did you know that it'll get 1000% more if you actually relate to the protagonist??
a.k.a. got depression




Disclaimer:
This is a LONG ass page, so please bare with me, i will yap a lot here, and it'll take time to load
Lemme remind you the trigger warning here: Depression, Mention of Suicide, Vent (Lots of em')
There will be a lot of major spoilers, you can go back to my homepage if you don't wanna get spoiled

Anzhelina will guide you back, so do not worry

I suggest you to play the game first (I promise you it's a good game)
Sit back, and relax, grab some snacks and drinks if you need, bring ur little friend too wether it's ur beloved pet or plushie

Enjoy the secret entry!


LAST WARNING! MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD! CLOSE THIS PAGE IMMEDIATELY TO AVOID SPOILERS!

The first time i played this game, i feel like i got taken back through those 3 years of my life in only around an hour

the mechanism of this game is very simple:

If you see something weird, press "A"

So, Trey is a guy who depression got SO BAD, the line between reality and dreams starts to blur into nothingness for him

We start by him waking up in his own bedroom, got knocked up pretty badly onto the floor, probably from the weird dreams he got

Remember that this is an RPG type of game, so there are lots to explore which reveals important details about the story here

it took me around 30 minutes to look for the name and lol, anyways...

i will depart the dreams in this game into five different category

WTF?! | NOT EVERYTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS | PHOTOTROPISM | ... | HAPPY ENDING

WTF?!

So, this dream plays at the start of them game, and at that time, i played by the rules too seriously, which made me miss a lot of things

But now that i think about it... Maybe missing most of this dream is actually good for myself...

and i just purposely throw myself into a hole after i got saved from falling into the same hole earlier by repeating this lol



Like, everything here is soooo messy here and everyone got ISSUES

I mean, Trey, let's be real here...

Ur roommates does THAT everywhere around the apartment, and as the cherry on top, ur landlord is a creep who sets up hidden cams and probably uploading those tapes of ur roomates to P*rnhub for money

I'd be depressed too if i were you, dawg. Damn..



We ain't talking bout that.. Now moving on!




Ok, enough of that, because that's not the thing i wanna highlight from this part

So, you'll notice that this part will get repeated again for once, but with everything got emphasized




I intrepreted this dream as that Tutti Frutti never have said that to him in the first place, but it's rather a manifestation of his mind creeping into his dream

You see, depression is called "mental illness" for a reason, okay?

Your own mind, your own brain, could and WILL tell you things on it's own
If it ain't gonna tell you directly, then it'll CONTROL YOU to tell those things to yourself
(am i even making sense at this point??)

BUT....

This dream also could show that Trey didn't have a good support system, and everyone around him constantly berating him, abusing him emotionally


You're such a burden

You're useless

You're good for nothing

You're a failure

You deserve nothing


Aight, no more of that...

This commonly happens amongst people who's struggling with depression. Especially the ones who got diagnosed with
Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) with psychotic issue


3 years ago was the time where i'm at my absolute lowest

I got rejected by every college, i lost all my friends, i got broken up by my boyfriend, it's not like he treated me right anyway, he literally ruins my life!

Those words.. My parents keeps planting it inside my head everyday... and now it's stuck to me like a stubborn dirt, a pest!


my life is falling apart, my future got shattered violently

i hate everything, and everything hates me


i try to ease the pain by smoking my problems away, but it's no use, it's a stupid idea, what am i even thinking?

It was all my fault

nothing matters anymore and my life is over

reminding me that maybe, i did not deserve to live


nothing matters anymore and my life is over

reminding me that maybe, i did not deserve to live


nothing matters anymore and my life is over

reminding me that maybe, i did not deserve to live

i did not deserve to live

i did not deserve to live

i did not deserve to live


...

...

...






BUT HEY!

that was me 3 years ago tho, i'm much better now, i promise haha :)

NOT EVERYTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS

Now, we get to next dream of this game



Really different from the first dream, right? 180 degree typa diff

If you think the first dream already sends me back home, no it hasn't...



If the first dream takes me 3 years back, then the second one takes me 2-1 years back..



At this point, i didn't see Trey anymore on the screen...

I see myself



Finally, i got accepted to college, in a science major that i somewhat interested... I guess...
(guess my major lol)

The day i moved to college is the beginning of my life's turning point

I manage to excell in my studies while making as much connection as i can, and it definitely throws me out of my comfort zone, but it did gave me rewards

High gpa, researches, medals, new friends (who genuinely cares about me and my well being), i even manage to land a new side job as lab asisstant

Basically a brand new and better life

But somehow, Some way...

There are still things that stuck inside of me, suffocating me slowly

I thought to myself...

"Aight, what is it this time, Pearl? You did great on your classes, you manage to publish scientific journals, you got lots of friends and a few best friends that cares about you, you got money to buy all the things you like and live in such clean and nice dormitory, you got secured career ahead of you, your future is basically bright at this point"

"Why? Why aren't you happy yet?!"



"WHY YOU'RE STILL NOT HAPPY?! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!"

*sigh*

I'm sorry...




You can have everything in this world, and it still wont guarantee your happiness if you got unfinished business with yourself

Everything is not what it seems, it's not that easy

After having those kinds of thoughts for so long, i finally realized that i deserve help, like, AN ACTUAL HELP, cause upgrading your life seems not enough

I finally go to a psychiatrist and starts my medication...
...and Dear God, if i told you the first week of taking medications feels like fucking hell

I was given sertraline for starters and i can't eat for the whole week. I keep throwing up every food that i eat, cause my stomach just simply rejecting it. All i can do is drink water and eat softer foods

But weeks after, i feel so so sooo much better

I can feel that i function better and my mood got lifted up
Being the opposite of the first week, it increases my appetite too, which leds me to weight gain
Not that i'm complaining tho, i've always wanted to gain weight since i used to be so underweight

But then i started to realize...

My body got REALLY dependent on it

I'd get sick if i'm skipping just for a day and my depression gets much worse

I told my doctor about this issue, and she said that it's normal and i shouldn't skip my meds. She even offers me some help if i ever wanna stop my medication, but then i thought that i've been going this far and i can't just stop now and reseting all of my progress, so i decided to just continue my meds, despite the side effects

Everything was fine until my meds starts to not working as it used to be. It was tiring and i feel like talking to my psychiatrist didn't really help much either

It was painful, there's not a single night that i didn't go through by crying myself to sleep and not being able to get myself up from bed, but i continue my meds anyway, cause i know it'll make me feel better, even if it takes a while

"Experiencing depression is painful, but healing from it gets you through so much more than you could ever imagine..."

My psychiatrist then decided to change my meds into something else, and Holy, it costs TOO MUCH
I bought the new meds anyway, and yes, it works better but not for too long either, just like the sertraline that i used to get

I started to think to myself that if my decision of getting "help" is useless, or i just need another kind of "help"?

It took trials and errors to find the right "help" that you need

By the end of last year, i finally decided to stop the meds on my own (as instructed ofc) and stopped going to psychiatrist

I did my research in finding what's best for me and i took my time to get to know myself once more, in hopes of finding what's actually bothering me this whole time

I started to go to the gym, eat healthy, stopped smoking, meditate, taking care of myself more, and so on...

It's not as easy as it sounds too, but hey, a girl manage to do it anyway haha, and now i feel better than ever

I still wanna thank my meds tho, even if the side effects are horrible, it definitely altered my brain in some way for a bit, and i'm still thankful for my psychiatrist cause she did her best




What i'm trying to say from all of this is that...

Healing from depression feels much much worse than actually experiencing depression itself
But at least you know by healing yourself, you'll get better at the end of day
Instead of doing nothing and stuck miserably at where you are


PHOTOTROPISM

Okay, now bare with me y'all. Idk if this is a part of the 3rd dream or 2nd dream, cause by the time i'm continuing this page, it's almost 5 am in the morning and i haven't catch up to sleep, so i'm just gonna made a new category for it

This part of the dream brings me exactly 2 years back



I was packing my stuff in my room, putting my favorite clothes into my suitcase. I need to do it fast cause tomorrow i already have to catch up a train in the morning

It's almost finished, but i wanna take a rest first, so i sit by the end of the bed, looking around my room




I've lived her since forever, since i was brought into this world

Such a shame that the day i leave this place came so early
But on the other hand, i remember that my life here isn't really bright and sunny

I didn't get the chance to do most stuffs cause i always feel so trapped, but now that i'm moving, i finally can have a little of freedom for myself



Talking about bright and sunny..., just like plants, in order to survive, they need sunlight for photosynthesis

"But Pearl, what if that plant grows inside a room without sunlight? They don't got legs to move like we do :("



Well, that plant will do something called phototropism

Plants will grow itself towards the sunlight, so they can have a better environment to stay alive



It got no legs to move around, but the plant always finds a way eventually, right?
and now you know my major, haha!

So, why can't we? With the privilege we have, we could go as far as we can!






Moving out doesn't seem so bad

It was scary at first, but i'm glad that i got to make my own choices

I realized that i miss a lot of exciting things, and i'm happy that i finally got the chance to get in touch with the things i love in life

...

Ok now y'all, bare with me in this

The title i gave for this dream is literally how i reacted to this dream

This is the part where it gets REALLY for me



Art has always been a part of my life

Drawing, sketching, painting, you name it!

I did it all since i was 4

Too bad i live in a pride and money ridden family

If what i do isn't impressive and didn't made so much money in the eyes of my family, i'm obligated to leave it completely

It was bad, it was horrible
I feel like my dreams got ripped away from my own hands at such early age

I live my life in full of secrets, full of hiding, just so i can have peace in doing my hobby

I was forced to live in full control of my family
It was a nightmare for my past self

This experience resulted in me not being able to improve my art skill, and after a few years, it slowly faded away

It was indeed feels bad, REALLY BAD

Art has always been a part of my life...
And when i lost it, my life feels so... empty

But now that nightmare is over, which i already discussed in PHOTOTROPISM earlier
I finally got the chance to get back into doing my hobby again, and i've never felt so alive




AND NOW WE'RE FINALLY ON MY MOST FAVORITE PART OF THIS GAME!

A part so good, i got the past 3 years of my life flashing right in front of my eyes

Before i yap even further, i'm just gonna drop this here first:













Till this day, that "guilt" would never really leave me alone...
Whenever someone left me, i always wonder what have gone wrong

Is it me?
Is it because of me?
Do i make them uncomfortable?
Do i HURT them?


Then i realized i act like a piece of shit back then

3 years ago i decided to drop everyone in my life, including my own close friends
I isolate myself cause i think i don't deserve to be with anyone, ever

I failed everyone

I know they tried to help me, but i'd rather not to listen to them and push myself even further, that's how idiotic i am!
And i probably act so mean and dumb back then without me realizing, which is why people also tend to push themselves from me

I'm aware than i'm not a good person, and i can't stop blaming myself every single day

My friends and My family
I loved them so much, they're very dear to me
My loved ones


but i hurted them

and i could never forgive myself...

It still haunts me to this day...

I'm sorry

I'm so sorry...





But i started to think about it...

What do i gain from feeling guilty all the time?

Will it bring them back?

Will it make everything better

"No" i said to myself



Instead of keep blaming myself, i begin to do some self reflection and took my time to grow of the guiltiness by learning to become a better person

HAPPY ENDING

After some years, i finally got the courage to contact the ones i've loved and own up to my mistake

And by my surprise, they're happy that after all this time i finally contacted them again

saying how much they've missed me

One of my best friend even said the exact same thing as this dialog below...



Oh dear, how lucky i am to be able to love such kind people in my life

This scene basically potrays our conversations haha:




Oh, i almost forgot

As for my family

I finally got the courage to tell them everything that i felt about them and how they treated me

I'm so happy that it went well, and they learn to become a better person too!
We begin to talk more about ourselves and our feelings in a much healthier way
Our family relationship have never gotten stronger ever since, and they're now fully supportive of me

I knew at the end, everything will get better




This is supposed to be in PHOTOTOPISM but i feel like it fits better here

IN CONCLUSION...

This game really potrays how people struggle with depression in the most perfect way as possible

Althought i'd be lying if i said it's not triggering
But it does help me to remember and understand what my past self has been feeling the whole time

Maybe, if i play this game 3 years ago, it probably gonna encourage me to get help much sooner

Well, how about we stop talking about the past, huh?

I got so much ahead in front of me

And to my past self:

Dear, i'm so proud of you
Thank you for staying here and do your best in improving yourself and your life
You're smart, strong, and no matter how shitty you feel, you're always loved
Even if the whole world turned againts you
You always have me
I'm not going anywhere
Just remember that life might not always filled with rays of sunshine
There will always be rain, even storm
But it'll be gone, eventually
You don't have to always stay indoors just because you're afraid the rain will come again
You get what i mean, right?



SO OVERALL 1000/10

WOW YOU MANAGE TO COME THIS FAR!

Thank you for reading through the whole page!
I appreciate it so much

This page is like... a video game review mixed with vent
I mean, how can i not make it that way? This game really hit close to home! lol

Anyways, I'm sorry if this page is quite messy, i've never write out so much about how i feel
I always have difficulties in sharing about my struggle through words, so i guess this is a step forward for me

Also it took like... 3 days, and i lose lots of sleeps due to it lol (i'll be fine i promise ^^)

Before you guys leave, there's another great message that i think everyone should read:


And to Nunjje,
Thank you for making such beautiful game

You always have such a kind heart

I knew we haven't talk that much
But i believe that you must've been loved by many for your kindness

I'm sorry if back then our convo might not turned out that great
And if i ever made you uncomfortable back then, i'm sorry too
I just wanna say that you're the nicest person i've ever met
Thank you for inspiring and motivates me to heal
I hope this little message doesn't make you feel awkward haha
sorry if it is tho...

I hope you're happy in life and in what you do, especially in your game dev
Waiting for the Waku-Wa Warrios btw lol, i can't wait! >w<


Well then, to make sure you didn't get lost on your way back...

Anzhelina will guide you back to homepage ʚ♡ɞ

I'll see you around, Angels! Thanks for stopping by